I hadn’t been on a first date for a while, because I was simply too ugly too busy.
I decided it was time to get back into it, so to speak, and besides, I needed the material.
I started chatting to this woman, and before long, she asked for my number to give me a call.
As soon as we started talking on the telephone, I knew it wasn’t going to work.
It was her voice.
She had one of those long, slow ‘strayan drawls. The kind that makes Kath & Kim sound positively refined.
I had made up my mind not to go any further, until later that evening when I was speaking with one of my friends.
I’m still scratching my head as to how she managed to convince me, but she somehow got me to overlook the voice and give the woman a chance.
I was going to be in her area a couple of days later for work, so organised to meet her for a quick work lunch. A limited time for a 1st date, and the legitimate chance to escape if needed.
Upstairs for thinking, downstairs for dancing, Mike!
I turned up at the cafe, and she arrived not long after.
I wasn’t exactly impressed with her work attire, being a hideous brown and orange shapeless dress, with completely mismatching low heel shoes.
Then she spoke.
“How ya goin’ darl?”
Oh dear God, this was going to be painful.
The waiter came over and asked if we’d like anything to drink while we looked at the menus.
I ordered a lemon lime & bitters, while she didn’t even look up from her menu and said “I wouldn’t mind a Jim Beam & coke, thanks.”
Sure, some people can have a small drink while on their lunch break, I thought to myself.
I have no idea why the hell I was being so tolerant. I must have been really hungry.
We ordered lunch, and halfway through the meal the waiter appeared to ask if everything was okay.
She downed her drink, handed him the glass and said “Oi’ll have anuver one of these, mate!”
Two drinks in the lunch hour. I can only imagine the stress she was going through at work.
The conversation stuttered and spluttered on, with no real interest shown by either one of us, as far as I could tell.
Lunch was finished and I thought what the hell, I may as well have my coffee.
I waved the waiter over, and before I could even ask for a coffee, you guessed it, she had held up her glass and garbled something about another one of these being tops or something to that effect.
I decided to drink my coffee at double speed, and as I asked for the bill, she said “Well, this was rooly noice. I fink we should see each uvver again.”
Wow.
I had to nip this in the bud.
“Look, I know that after three drinks, I’m probably looking pretty good to you right now, but honestly, I don’t see this going anywhere. But thanks anyway.”
Her response?
“That’s awright. At least I got a free meal out of it!”
Holy f*%#ing freeloader, Batman.
I mean, I would have paid regardless, but to assume it was the nail in the already closed and half buried coffin.
That’s the last time I listen to a “friend” when it comes to dating advice.
Bitch.
Shoes – Kenneth Cole Reaction
Jeans – Density
Shirt – Premonition
Jacket – Greyhound
